Memories Grow Sweeter When Family Dynamics Change
December is in full swing! We at B&P took a bit of respite from the blog during the last few weeks, but no rest from our adventures. Actually, the break from the blog allowed us to experience even more adventures we can now share with you.
The start of the holiday season in November proved the perfect time to discover unusual new places, wander around tourist traps, meet interesting new friends, and devote time to introspection before planning our next move.
I wonder if Thanksgiving as an American holiday subtly changed during the last 30 years or only my view on it.
Thanksgivings past
In my memory, it was a time when the most significant family discussion centered around where the family would gather that year.
It was a time when happy voices filled a small living room, peppered with occasional cheers triggered by the Oklahoma college football game playing soundlessly on the television. A chance to listen to stories of family history from the aunts, follow sports debates with the uncles, and, most important to young Me, run free and create havoc with cousins I considered as close as siblings. Hugs and smiles everywhere with the bonus of eating a delicious meal at a grandparent’s house. Even the fact that I could fill my plate mostly with dressing and cranberry sauce without a vegetable lecture pleased the younger Me more than I care to admit.
As the years passed, my cousins and I grew up and built our individual lives in various places with new partners. We split travel and visiting time between families, meaning less time spent at each. Cousins moved to the locales of their spouses or to new cities for jobs. As we started families of our own, the desire to return to our hometowns remained, but the means to do so changed. As a military family, J and I often lived in a different state than our families, and time did not allow us to travel home for Thanksgiving gatherings.
Growing Our Own Families
School days for our children further reduced our ability to travel home for the long weekend. Thanksgiving became a gathering of friends, of those who could not make it home, and chose to create the ‘back home’ feel in our home. The holiday focused on filling a military house with happy people and laughing children while learning to cook a turkey. We found joy in integrating dishes and traditions from multiple cultures and localities. We missed our families of origin but were able to enjoy the day because we knew the longer break for Christmas and New Year’s would allow us to return home later.
Our children built bonds with their friends and were less interested in the stressful, short trip to their parents’ homes for thanksgiving. The teenage years generated new obligations, such as band, sports, and school events. We spent more than a few holidays “on the road.” High school football playoffs meant traveling with our son and the band, and later with our daughter as the team she managed made it to state finals.
When our oldest joined the Air Force, the holiday fell in the middle of his training. We packed up, grabbed Cracker Barrel take-out on the way, and spent thanksgiving at an outdoor picnic table in front of his dormitory. We threw frisbees and footballs with strangers, showed off the latest dance moves, and enjoyed the time together. It was heartwarming to replace the crowded little house with nature, allowing for more smiles and laughter when the food took a back seat to togetherness.
Loss and Separation
After losing my father, looking forward to the holiday proved more difficult. I missed my family dearly, but my grief made it difficult for me to enjoy the trip. I worked to keep the traditions that I could, like the wearing of ‘black olive fingers’ or the annual singing of Arlo Guthrie’s Alice’s Restaurant Massacre.
Losing our son further separated us from the holiday. The military transferred our oldest son and his family too far away for weekend travel and our daughter stressed university final exams. The effort to plan, cook, travel, or socialize became overwhelming to me.
Viewing from that place of grief, the immense commercialization of the holiday in the larger American culture took over my perception of Thanksgiving. My children can attest to my distaste for holiday music which seems to begin earlier and earlier each year. I grew cynical of the media’s focus on sales like black Friday and cyber Monday or how it fills the long weekend with non-stop sports.
The cousins now have grandchildren of their own and are the ones with houses vying to be the gathering spot for their families. The aunts and uncles grow older and less able to travel and vacation days from work or school are harder to find than in the past.
a different approach
This year, J and I traveled without obligation, visited siblings far away, and found as much fun, laughter, and lovingly prepared food in abundance.
The day featured wonderfully cooked food, loving companionship, and aminated conversation in a much smaller gathering. This Thanksgiving trip filled my heart, enabling a new way for me to enjoy it.
This stress-free holiday allowed time to fully enjoy the present moment, and also for the reflection necessary to plan for the future. Stay tuned to future blog posts to hear about the exciting encounters and interesting stories collected during this holiday trip.
Moving Forward
While the way we celebrate continues to transform, the idea of Thanksgiving for me will always be that crowded, white living room in my grandmother’s house, the kitchen full of aunts and babies, and the sunshine on the faces of the kids climbing the old oak tree.
When I close my eyes, I see the huge pecan tree in the back shading the magical garden, where she planted strawberries for me and grew sunflowers higher than the fence. In my memory, the animated voices and happy laughter mingling with the scents of gravy, potatoes, green beans, and turkey come to life even today.
I love this, it brings back memories of the good old days. But it also makes me cry because things have changed and so many loved ones are no longer with us. Keep your words flowing!
Beautiful